I started to see a psychologist when my oldest child was 14. I saw that psychologist, Pam, for 21 years. I would have seen her longer except that she retired six years ago. I feel absolutely no stigma in reporting this. I am not ashamed that I sought such help, in fact, perhaps I am boasting. I am very fortunate that for all those years I had a paid professional friend to help me through the ups and downs of life.
Pam was great. Yes, she helped me climb out of a couple of emotional black holes I managed to fall in through the years, but for the most part, there were no black holes. She just helped me deal with ordinary stresses, even though mine has been a privileged life.
My presenting problem was not that my child was into drugs or alcohol. Nor was he flunking out of school or hanging out with a gang. My problem was that he often needed a ride home from the mall just as I, a stay-at-home mom, needed to cook dinner. Of course, it always meant going out into rush hour traffic. It drove me nuts which of course is ridiculous in retrospect.
Before I go on, let me beg forgiveness of those moms who would have larger things to worry about in this scenario:
- like having a reliable car
- like having money to buy gas
- like having food to put on the table
- like getting home from work in rush hour traffic in order to cook
Apologies in place, I will defend myself for being stressed in spite of being very fortunate. Toward this end, I share a report I once heard on NPR about having enough money in America. The reporter started out interviewing a family in a middle-class income level and moved up and up through various income levels until he reached a family earning a million dollars a year. Guess what? At every level the family was stressed out as it struggled to pay for all they felt was essential in life. Granted, at the lower income level money for room and board was a stressor while at the million-dollar mark boarding the horses was at stake. Nevertheless, all felt stress.
One of the things that I have learned about life is that having every thing is NOT equal to having everything and that being privileged does not make you immune from unhappiness. The recent suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain teach us this. It’s a fact: in every life there are hiccups in happiness. What to do? I advocate seeking professional help as needed.
In my own case, there were times I saw Pam weekly, and times I saw her monthly, and times I just checked in with her every couple of months. There were also times when I thought I was done with counseling but she disagreed. And there were times when she thought I was done with counseling but I disagreed. And then 21 years later she retired and I am handling things just fine on my own. Of course, after all the years of this unique friendship, her voice echoes in my head and guides me still.
Recently I saw a cute Bag Tag by Suzy Toronto. It says, “New shoes…cheaper than therapy and a whole lot more fun!” I chuckled and let out a sigh of relief that I am in a stage of life that new shoes can cure the blues. But rest assured that if this form of therapy should stop working I will phone my internist to get a referral for the real deal!
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Joel Campbell says
Lorie, I could write volumes in response to your blog…..As for the present time, “If you don’t understand my silence…..you will not understand my words….I am drafting my response which I will send to your E-mail address.
Lorie Kleiner Eckert says
Thanks for commenting, Joel. I expect many people will have long responses to this topic…
Vera Long says
Wise words indeed, dear friend. As I have shared with you, I spent 10 yrs with a therapist, only to come to the realization, finally, that my mother really did “do the best she could”. Guess I’m a slow learner, but I finally got it. Same therapist also saved my marriage. When I asked why my husband could hear her and not hear me, she said, “sometimes you have to hit them over the head with a velvet sledgehammer.” I highly recommend professional help, whenever you feel the need, or your friends or family think you could benefit from same. Hint, hint…
Lorie Kleiner Eckert says
Thanks for sharing, Vera. And of course we are on the same page about counseling as needed…
Peggy Taylor says
Lorie, I’m off this morning to go see my therapist who is winding down in her career. She has decided to move her practice to her home for the “winding down” phase in her journey. Today she is having an open house for those interested in making the longer drive to see her. I can’t imagine how far away she would have to be for me not continue to see her. I have learned, by being on the grieving side of suicide, that life would have been so much better had our family been in counseling many years ago. Hind sight is so revealing. I love the title you gave Pam…paid professional friend…that is exactly how I feel about my Peggy. We are definitely the Peggy and Peggy team! I have learned that if those of us who have experienced suicide of a loved one cannot be honest and open about it, the conversation will not happen. When my husband ended his life I initially told people he was out of town on business and his death was unexpected. True. That usually ended the conversation. When pressed for more information, I gave an honest answer. That happened frequently, so I became more comfortable with saying he ended his own life. At some point in time in these last 4-1/2 years, I realized if I can’t say the words I’m not doing what I can to help others. Thank you for your wise words. Peggy
Lorie Kleiner Eckert says
Oh Peggy, what a beautiful response! Thank you for sharing so openly. I am so happy that you have the Peggy/Peggy team. What a blessing. Let’s keep telling people about our experiences with counseling to be sure people know that at least WE do not think there should be a stigma in talking about it! Hugs to you…