A friend once listened as I explained in detail something I was worrying about. The more I talked, the more dismayed he looked. Ultimately, he tapped me on the temple and asked incredulously, “What’s it like in there?” I write this story on Sunday, March 29, 2020. In Ohio, we are six days into Governor Mike DeWine’s stay-at-home order. As of tonight, the President extended his social distancing guidelines for the nation through the end of April. “Scared” is the one-word description of what it’s like inside my head. Here are the top ten thoughts.
- I’ve heard it said there is a prayer in Jewish tradition for everything including all aspects of the eating spectrum. We bless food before we eat it, and we bless the ability to give that food up into the toilet after we digest it. In this tradition, I find myself saying all sorts of prayers. After running the dishwasher, I am thankful it ran ok because the need to call a plumber seems overwhelming in the time of the coronavirus.
- I am remembering that my son used to call me not a horse whisperer but a baby whisperer. He praised the way I could calm his newborn daughter when he could not. My secret involved finding a position Avery liked, gently bouncing her in that position, while softly crooning, “Avery’s ok, and Avery’s ok. Avery’s ok, and Avery’s ok.” I sang these words in a continuous loop until Avery was indeed ok. I’m singing the “Lorie’s ok” song to myself these days. And I will be ok. As long as Avery – and the rest of my loved ones – are ok. Please God. Another thing to pray for, higher up on the list than the dishwasher.
- Perhaps I have read too many books about the Holocaust, but I seem to be in scarcity mentality wanting to waste nothing just in case it somehow comes to that. And so, I wonder, should I only have one slice of bread with my peanut butter sandwich, or is it ok to spurge with two? And then I look at that bag of dried beans, elbow mac, and rice I keep in the pantry for little grandson, Jude. He likes to pour the contents back and forth from one bowl to another. Will I have to tease those staples apart someday and cook them?
- I keep doing the math on this trying to feel safe. Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, said 100,000 to 200,000 Americans may die from COVID-19, the respiratory illness caused by the coronavirus. Earlier stories in the New York Times had more horrific numbers. So, I try to put these numbers in perspective. I checked, there are 328 million people in the United States, 11.6 million in Ohio, and 302,605 in Cincinnati. Statistically speaking, all my loved ones should be fine. Are you listening, God?
- But maybe He/She is not. There was a tornado in Jonesboro, Arkansas on Saturday, March 28th! I am horrified that this came to Jonesboro on the heels of the coronavirus! I feel toward God the way I felt toward my kids and their teenage antics of long ago – I want to shake God and ask, “What were You thinking?!”
- I have always been one to wear my mom’s earrings or my grandpa’s ring on days when I felt shaky emotionally. Now in the coronavirus era, I alternate wearing two of my dad’s cardigans as I search for a warm embrace. I can’t believe that after he died I donated all of his clothes except these two items. How could I have done that? And where is that enormous green flannel shirt that was my 6′ 4” son’s castoff? I had it for years and wore it whenever I was sick. Why did I give it away? It could be so comforting to wear it now.
- As I contemplate never throwing anything out again, I also contemplate the other side of the spectrum. Maybe I should clean out the house so that if something happens to me the kids won’t have to.
- Which leads me to wonder, will anyone even be able to touch my personal remains if I die of COVID-19? How will the closing down of a home take place when everything is germ infested?
- Which leads me to see that I can be quite the doomsday thinker. And so, I shut that thought down for now. I will not go down that rabbit hole!
- Trying to think pleasant thoughts, the song/prayer, Min Hameitzar, comes to mind. The “lyrics” are from Psalm 118: “From a narrow place, I cried out to God. God answered me with wide expanse.”
With this in mind, I close my eyes. I take several deep breaths to calm myself. When I reopen my eyes, I allow myself to see it there, the wide expanse: hope.
*****
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Hi Lorie! I so love reading your writing. It’s like having you right there with me, which I sorely need right now. You’re not the only one scared- I’m terrified! Trying everything I can not to let the beastie into our house. I find I feel better if I don’t look at the numbers at all. It’s not like I have any power over anything more than I’m doing. But I agree- what was HE thinking!??
Hi Linda, Thanks for your comments. A little bit of head-in-the-sand can be a good thing at tough times. Looking forward to making it to the other side of this. When will it feel safe, though to go on quilt retreat??
I couldn’t wait to read what you had to say about this horrific moment in our lives and the lives of our children and grandchildren. You seem to be able to get inside my head and say the things I am not equipped to say In your literate way. The two of us are so fortunate to have had such wonderful parents who’s lessons continue to guide us . Stay healthy
Wow! Wendy. Thanks for such nice words. I’m never sure if I am putting out good stuff or junk. I am glad this all resonates for you. And I agree, it was great to have great parents. I pray to mine – up there in heaven – all the time.
Thanks, Lorie. The post was lovely and inspiring, as usual.
Hi Nancy, thank you for this pat on the back. Glad I provided something for you to read at this tough time. Stay in! Stay safe!
Lorie: Nice blog. I can relate to all of it and # 7 comes to my mind regularly as I’ve gotten older. I also enjoyed your recent blog about the strength of your mom. Very good, true and enjoyable. Thanks.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Stefan. Sharing those 10 grandkids with you, we have lots to live for. So…stay in, stay safe!
Oh Lorie,
You captured every thought and feeling that I have (only you did so much more eloquently). I have been prone to my own worries and angst even before I ever knew about Covid-19. Now my obsession with the news and the statistics only fuel those thoughts.
I’m finding that cleaning/purging my study of outdated books and papers and cooking is helpful – next on my list are those closets which continue to grow stuff at a faster rate than the virus. Funny, but I used to think that I had to complete all tasks in one day; so, long story short, I didn’t attempt them because it was an impossible task. Now, what I don’t finish one day, I know will be there the next…
Sending you my warmest wishes for a healthy, worry-free Pesach!
So good to hear from you, Jeanne. We keep planning to be together after you retire. Fingers crossed social distancing will some day let up and allow that!
Once again, you’ve articulated what’s in the hearts and minds of so many of us! Thanks for being there for us! xo
And thanks for being there for me, Loie.
Stella, Avery, and I are walking over now with another old 6’4 green flannel for you 🙂
OMG! Too good to be true! Many thanks. Marm
OMG, Lorie, you are a world class worrier! Thankfully, you can worry the current events enough to keep your worry worm head going, and you don’t have to manufacture things to worry about, like my mother-in-law did. As you know, I’m not a worrier, and I have only a teeny-tiny small one in the furthest reaches of my so-called brain that the Covid-19 will somehow reach its tentacles into our home and grab Bill and drag him kicking and screaming out of my life. Not sure if I will applaud or watch sadly. I’m glad you had wonderful parents to give you so much hope. I didn’t have that experience, but I have hope anyway. We will all be together again soon, for our regular movie dates. We just have to wait it out. You, go ahead and worry, I’ll just binge watch Netflix to pass the time, because I’m too lazy to do those closet cleaning projects, etc. ???
Hi Vera, your comment gave me a couple of laughs – thanks!! I clearly needed that. But now we have our assigned roles and I am indeed in charge of worrying while you are in charge of dragging me away from the inside of my head by taking me to the movie every single Thursday. God willing we will get back to that routine someday soon!
Love this. I also wear things that help me feel safe & connected to others. At the start of this I slept in my Love sweatshirt (with your quilt pictured on the front) most nights. Now I’m wearing bracelets from Shana that I’m pretending are protective in some way! ?
Did Scott really bring you a new flannel?? 100 bonus points for him if so ? Also, note to self to keep some of my kids’ clothing before they leave the house!
I am certain that the Love sweatshirt and bracelets from Shana are magical. Keep wearing such items! And yes, 100 bonus points to Scott. He read the blog, hopped on a bike, and brought me a flannel shirt!!
Hi Lorie,
Another great blog post! “Hope” is a good thing.
Cindy
Hi Cindy. Things are feeling a bit calmer than when I wrote the blog. Either hope is kicking in or the social distancing is flattening the curve!!Or both! To one and all: Stay in. Stay safe.