New Boots with Love from Mom and Dad

Receiving Gifts from the Deceased?

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My mom died in 2002, and my dad died eight years later, and yet Dillard’s just delivered a gift to me from them – UGG boots! I actually get gifts from them twice a year and I so enjoy the experience that I must suggest it to others. But beyond that, I see that my practice of receiving gifts from them is part of a newer philosophy of grieving than the one proposed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her groundbreaking book from 1969, On Death and Dying.

In her book, she famously suggests “Five Stages of Grief”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It is shocking to research this and see that others have found fault with her concept. That seems blasphemous! But some bereavement scholars feel that the goal of grieving is NOT to work through a linear process that ultimately brings a person to acceptance and to a new life.

Instead, they advance the concept of Continuing Bonds. Indeed, this is the title of a book that was first published in 1996. It was edited by Dennis Klass and contains data from twenty-two experts in the field. It addresses widows and widowers, bereaved children, parents and siblings, and adoptees and their birth parents. In every case, the researchers feel that after the loss of a loved one, we need to adjust and redefine the relationship allowing for a continued relationship that will endure.

Detachment is not the goal here. Continuing the bond is.

Here is my experience in doing that with my parents, and then I will give other suggestions as offered by Good Grief, an organization in New Jersey that helps children who have lost a parent or sibling.

Frankly, it is not by intention that I got into the gift-receiving method of remembering my parents. It was through my personal frugality. As coexecutor’s of my parents’ estate, my brother and I shared everything equally. But there was a $5000 municipal bond in the portfolio that intrigued me. It paid 6% interest – a whopping $300 per year, in two payments of $150 each. I figured those payouts would be a fun way for a very-frugal-me to treat myself to a couple of gifts a year. Giving my brother another investment of equal value, I started this gift-receiving-game.

Since this started in 2011, I have purchased my fair share of purses, shoes, and housewares. But probably the greatest “gift” in all of this is the thank you notes I write them for each gift. When I tear the check off the bottom of the UBS disbursement form, I use the rest of the page to give a report. As I read over the collection of notes, they prove my folks have been ever-present through good times and bad…

• Thanks for this gift, Mom and Dad. I spent it immediately on an eight-quart pot for my expanding family. Since your last gift, Dylan was born and Cheryl’s baby is due any minute. Life is good!
• I am stumbling a little on this end. I am so blessed to have this gift, but still I am emotionally discombobulated. Please send me warm rays of love and guidance from heaven. I love you so very much!
• I love you tons and wish you were here to see my new royal blue purse and to enjoy all the Kleiner/Eckert maziks (mischief makers) – all eight of them, ages 1-8. Love them all. Love you too!
• This gift from you bought two nature photographs to frame for the house. I am thrilled with all the green-ness. Thrilled to be my green-eyed self. Thrilled to have been your daughter, the recipient of so many gifts (not of the dollars and cents kind.) I love you!
• This check came in the middle of the corona virus pandemic, just as governor Mike DeWine was locking Ohio down. So in honor of the new mentality that status quo may not always be status quo, I am just putting this check in the bank. It is already a “rainy day”, so it’s needed there. Please watch over all of us during this scary time.
• I bought four new lawn chairs. With Covid we have been sitting outside a lot in decent weather – often with Dairy Queen Blizzards – so you are a part of that fun. Thank you! I love you!
• On my recent trip to Poland I was cold, cold, cold. Another lady had UGG boots on and I was jealous. Now I own them too. Amen and thank you. I love you so very much. The boots too!

True confession time – about two years into this game plan the bond got “called” and I had to cash it in. But my investment advisors could easily send me $150 two times a year from other investments, so that is what I instructed them to do.

Clearly, I am a person who thinks of my parents often but having two more times a year to do so – as the checks roll in – has been lovely. And writing the thank you notes has been especially meaningful.

Indeed, writing letters is one method of “continuing the bond” that Good Grief suggests to their clients. In an article called 5 Tips for Continuing Bonds with People We’ve Lost, they suggest:

• Write to the person
• Keep photos around
• Talk about them with people who did not have the opportunity to meet them
• Finish a project they were working on
• Take a trip they always wanted to take

When it comes to grief work, I know that many people can move through Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages and arrive at acceptance and a new life. And I know that other people find such a concept impossible or even abhorrent. There is no right or wrong here. Thanks to Dennis Klass et al, we have a second game plan, and a permission slip from twenty-two experts to grieve differently.

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