As we approach the winter holiday season, I offer up this little ditty on the stress of being the head cook for a family feast. It comes with some great advice from Chef David Burtka and also from an article published on Self.com called “8 Little Ways to Make Holiday Cooking Way Less Stressful.” But first…here’s my story about being stressed over desserts for this year’s Rosh Hashana meal…
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From my college years until a decade or so ago, whenever I had a stress dream, it was about taking a final exam at the university. To say I was unprepared is an understatement. I had never gone to the class during the semester, and didn’t even know where the classroom was located. In fact, I had not yet purchased the textbook.
For an all-A sort of student, this dream was horrifying to say the least.
In recent years, my dreams have changed. It is still unpreparedness that I am stressing over, but now it has to do with cooking food for a big group of people who are arriving at any minute. In one version of the dream, I am frantically looking in the pantry for something to fix and wondering why on earth I hadn’t gone to the grocery store! In another version of the dream, I have a big cauldron of chili bubbling away on the stove, but when I take the lid off the pot to stir it, I see that the chili has cooked down to nothingness!
For a Jewish woman always trying to be a balabusta – a home-maker extraordinaire – like my mom and grandma, this dream is devastating.
In order not to provoke such nighttime horrors, I try to be ultra-prepared when I am about to entertain for a big holiday. I plan my menu and go to the grocery store days in advance. It is a great comfort to have everything in the house that I need. I then cook a little bit each day in the week leading up to the event, so everything is ready on the big day.
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Things did not work out that way for our recent Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year) dinner. A lot was going on in my life, so I shopped at the grocery store in piecemeal fashion, never having the time to buy everything in one outing. Thus, I purchased appetizer ingredients and then fixed appetizers. I purchased main dish ingredients and then fixed the main dishes. Whew! I was lucky that guests were bringing the side dishes. That only left desserts.
By tradition, I always serve Jewish biscotti (a.k.a. kamish bread) and I did prepare that in advance. But I hadn’t even figured out what other things to bake, much less gotten ingredients into the house with which to bake them.
And that’s where things stood at 9:00 AM on the day of the 5:00 PM dinner party.
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Thankfully, that’s when I recalled an article I had read about chef David Burtka. It appeared long ago in Parade Magazine. In it he said, “The biggest pitfalls I’ve had in entertaining are when I think I’m able to do every single dish from scratch.” He went on to say that when he helped Sharon Stone organize a party, they chose to serve Kentucky Fried Chicken on her fine china. “No one knew,” he said. “It was crazy!”
His advice is summed up in one word: Outsource.
So that’s what I did. I went to the bakery and bought a chocolate mousse cake and a raspberry cheesecake. And I went to the grocery store and bought a box of chocolates. With my kamish, that gave me four desserts which ended up proving this point: When it comes to desserts, people don’t care what the choices are as long as there are many.
Do I have any lingering guilt over my outsourcing? I guess a little, or I wouldn’t be writing this. Thus, I close with the promised article from Self.com. The first point they make is aimed at me. They say, “Repeat after us: There’s absolutely no shame in store-bought.”
Well ok. Along with bakery products, I’ll buy that philosophy. And in doing so, I take a step toward redefining a balabusta for the 21st century. In this crazy hectic world where there is not time to grocery shop much less to cook, pulling off a holiday meal in any way, shape, or form is an accomplishment worth noting, and an accomplishment for which I can be proud.
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If you like my writing, I hope you will check out my new book, Chai on Life. “Chai” is a mystical word in Hebrew. It is pronounced “high” making this book High on Life with a Jewish slant. It is available wherever books are sold including Amazon.
The stress dreams sound so familiar! 😂Thanks for your take on the stress, and the reminder that it’s ok to take the easy way sometimes! It gives us the freedom to enjoy what’s really important. Just being together with our loved ones. ❤️
Thanks for validating the feeling! And for your wise words…
I’ve had stress dreams, too — and they aren’t fun! And since I’ve married into a family of foodies and very talented, creative cooks, lazy-cook me always feels outclassed and anxious when it’s my turn to host a dinner (or lunch, or brunch, or even a dessert-only gathering}. I have removed most of that anxiety by letting everyone know that, at my house, most of the food will likely be carry-out from a family-favorite restaurant — or else we’re going to do the meal potluck style, where everyone brings a dish or two. This takes the strain off me (well, most of it, anyway) and ensures that the foods are to everyone’s liking.
Do I feel guilty about this? Well, yes — especially at holiday times or big birthdays. But I can handle the guilt far better than the belief that my meals aren’t as wow-worthy as those cooked by other members of the family and my desserts not nearly as beautiful as the ones they bake. The thank-yous at the end of my less-anxiety-provoking meals are genuine, and that’s what I’m going for: pleasing the people I love. I can do it better when I don’t take everything on myself. I can live with being the lazy-cook grandma, because the lazy-cook grandma is also a happier grandma!
Aha! You identify with this. So glad when that happens!
It was a nice Rosh Hashana dinner! I still sometimes have similar dreams about going to take a college exam and never having been to the class…..stressful.
Oh no! Stress dreams for you too?! Hard to believe…
“Store bought is fine” has become an Ina Garten meme. She home makes everything but that’s because her job & greatest joys are cooking & baking. The rest of us have other greatest joys so going the store bought route is a-ok!! Even Ina says so ;)
I love the way you phrase this: the rest of us have other greatest joys – so we are going the store bought way! Yay!
The cakes were delish! As was the entire meal!
Thanks, Sue, for commenting and for the side dish!!