Poopy Face

3 Adult Versions of Name Calling

Years ago, my grandson shared this wisdom with me: “Mom said when someone name calls me, I should pay no attention to them.” The little guy’s syntax made me chuckle a bit, but the message was rock solid. I come at that message today from three angles. The first is the type of name-calling my grandson meant but with a twist for adults – our acquaintances aren’t exactly calling us “poopy face” any more, but unsolicited negative comments have the same effect. The second is the name calling we do to ourselves when we use negative self-chatter. And the third is slightly different. It involves labeling ourselves – even with positive labels! Come along as I explore these types of adult name calling.

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Sticks and Stones…

There is the old saw that says, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words shall never hurt me.” This statement is so true, except when it isn’t. It’s true if the name calling is a onetime or infrequent occurrence. But such words can truly cut if they are persistent, regular, or repeated. At that point, we may be talking about bullying or verbal abuse.

There is a website called Hope Springs. It is owned by a group of behavioral consultants. In their article about name calling, they tell us to respond by “practicing the pause.” Thus we should not respond immediately. Instead, we should take some time to notice and name our feelings, be kind to ourselves, and figure out the best response if any.

My grandson’s approach is perfect for the one-time offender. For the frequent offender, the Hope Springs website tells us, “If you are in a relationship with someone who calls you names, it is time to consider moving on.”

In my own recent experiences with the adult version of this, instead of getting angry or hurt, I have indeed practiced the pause, and then I have contacted the person for clarification of their comment. In every case, no harm was meant. It was an unfortunate choice of words. And since I have been known to choose words in unfortunate ways from time to time myself, I didn’t walk away from the relationship.

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Negative Mental Chatter…

While researching a story about the brain, I found an article from San Diego Brain Injury Foundation listing seventy-two facts about this organ. One of these facts calls the brain a “random thought generator” as it explains that the brain generates up to 50,000 thoughts a day. Additionally, it estimates 70% of this mental chatter is negative, meaning self-critical, pessimistic, and fearful.

For anyone who has this type of mental chatter it would be helpful for them to spend some time with my daughter, the social worker. We once shared a hotel room, and after showering, I told her I was a dummy because I had such a hard time figuring out how to turn the water on and regulate its temperature. She asked me if I could state that in a way that was kinder to myself. Rephrasing things, I said, “The shower is hard to figure out, but I did it!”

According to various online sites about negative self-talk, including one from the Veteran’s Administration, we need to use the 3 C’s: Catch it. Check it. Change it. This technique is a part of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and it’s exactly what my daughter had me do. It was easy. And besides that, it made me feel better about myself.

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On Thugs and Singles Columnists…

There is an entire science of “labeling theory” that says society’s assigning of labels to a person or group of people can have an effect on their behavior. Specifically, people behave like the label given to them. Call someone a thug, and watch the thuggish behavior follow.

But I’m thinking there is even a problem in giving out good labels. Back in the 1990’s, I proudly called myself a Singles Columnist. The stories I wrote appeared in Jewish newspapers across the country. After three years of syndicating my stories, I quit. It was too limiting to have to write everything from the perspective of being a single person. Once I wanted to write about container gardening, for example. But what does that have to do with being single? Hmmmm…eventually I framed it as advice to wannabe gardeners who lived in apartments due to their single status. All the while I was shouting that I am more than my marital status!

And so now I chuckle whenever I try to label myself. I am not a Writer, or an Author, or a Professional Quilter, or a Mom, or a Marmel, or even an Avid Reader (notice the capital letters). I do not want to limit myself! I am all those things rolled up in one! And I can add – or subtract – attributes at my pleasure.

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Put Me Downs and Put Me Ups

When my kids were young and one said something unkind to the other, we had a consequence that worked. The unkind person – the one who dished out the put-me-down – had to give two put-me-ups in their place. This is still a perfect plan.

Thus if someone calls me a name, or I do some negative self-talk, or I label myself – good or bad – I’m going to practice the pause. And then instead of giving myself just two put me ups – why be so limited? – I’m going to give myself a whole list of positive attributes, starting with the FACT that I can, indeed, figure out how to turn on the shower in hotels!

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